Mainstream Conservatism: The Politics of Proposals

and some thoughts about traditional gender norms in modern dating culture

Sometimes I think mean thoughts about other women. I saw a video online of a woman in front of a waterfall, getting on one knee, and proposing to her boyfriend. I cringed at this; that will never be me, I thought to myself. I even texted my boyfriend “I don’t want to propose to you, okay?” (as if this woman choosing how she wants to express her love to her partner is somehow a threat to the future I envisioned for myself). I went to the comments and was greeted by hundreds of “may this kind of love never find me” along with a few regarding “the level of desperation”. Sometimes, all you need is a good look in the mirror to come to the realization that you, really, have become the very thing you swore to destroy.

A concept that my mind has taken as fact since I first heard of feminism is the idea that if there is any single thing that men are welcome to do and women are not, that thing is inherently anti woman. My mind has taken this as fact, yes, but my heart has not yet absorbed it. This becomes evident in the brief sadness I feel immediately after seeing a woman doing a task that is traditionally done by a man. This brief moment of pity leads me to ask myself what is sadder? A woman asking someone she loves to marry her? Or a woman waiting and wondering why today is not the day? I think the answer is obvious.

When a man proposes to a woman, it is romantic, it is exciting, and it is sometimes even seen as an act of kindness. When a woman proposes to a man, it is an “act of desperation”. A man chasing after what he desires is ambitious, dominant, and respectable. A woman chasing after what she desires is desperate and embarrassing. Of course, my thesis here is not “ladies, propose to your boyfriends even if you don’t want to!”, this line of thinking did not come from reevaluating my life plans. Rather, this is an evaluation of how we perceive women who fulfill roles that are usually filled by men, especially in the dating world. It is taboo for women to pay for dinner. One could argue that this is because it is “gentlemanly” for the man to treat his partner, but I would argue that this moreso comes from the misogynistic idea that women should not have money of their own. That women should be dependent on their boyfriends or husbands. Of course, it is not anti-feminist to desire being taken out on dates when in a relationship with a man; it is, however, anti-feminist to be fully financially dependent on that man (in addition to being wildly unsafe) and unable to survive as an individual without him. And regardless of your personal dating preferences, it is antifeminist to judge a woman who decides to pay for dinner with her boyfriend; since this judgement comes from a deep rooted discomfort felt when traditional gender roles are not upheld in heterosexual relationships.

It’s strange, because more often than not, this discomfort the general public feels when traditional gender roles are violated results in judgement being passed on the woman, hardly ever the man. The video I saw of the woman proposing to her boyfriend had no comments criticizing the man for not taking the initiative to propose to her (despite him being just as much outside of his traditional gender role); rather thousands of “girl, stand UP” comments and other variations of people calling this woman desperate simply for being sure of what she wants. A woman being forward, a woman acting on her desires, enrages us.

We, as women, are meant to just sit there; passionless, ambitionless, without sweat or furrowed eyebrows. Without ink-stained hands or scabby knees and elbows. We must sit there and wait for love, wait for money, never to search for, ask for, or make our own. When we do these things, when we take on the tasks that men are able to do their whole lives without a second glance, we are desperate.

Again, wanting your boyfriend to propose or pay for dinner does not make you a bad feminist, maybe you simply just want some free penne vodka and a sparkly ring. What does make you a bad feminist is judging women for being in a relationship that does not follow traditional gender roles. None of us are immune to this patriarchal mindset; but we are also not immune to gaining self awareness and choosing to break free from it.